“I’m A Devout Christian, But Really Into BDSM”

An interview with Celine, who is a devout Christian, but loves painful anal.

In Sex With Friends I talk to acquaintances old, new and virtual about the most interesting aspects of their sex lives. Here, I’m talking to Celine, who is a devout Christian but also likes rape play and being fucked in the ass.

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Me: Tell me about your faith.

Celine: I’m Christian, and I’m pretty involved with my local church. I attend worship ever Sunday, and I help organise community events and fundraise. Part of what draws me to Christianity is the community and support structure it provides. In a way the church is kind of like a family to me. I haven’t found that sense of belonging in any other aspect of my life.

In terms of what I believe… I don’t take the Bible literally. I think it’s more a lens through which to see the world – something to provide you with hope and guidance. My faith gives me meaning. Without it I think life would feel kind of flat and pointless. I don’t like the idea of a world without God, but I also don’t believe that he literally built the Earth in six days, or that heaven is a place full of clouds and angels playing harps.

 

Me: Tell me about your sex life.

Celine: Hah. Well. I’m very submissive, and always have been. Even just in day to day life I hate having to take the lead on anything. I like it when a man takes control. And the idea of being spanked and told what to do turns me on. It also really, really makes me wet to think about being hurt while being fucked. Like being fucked so hard it hurts, or in the ass, because that’s quite painful for me. Other fetish stuff I’m not so keen on. I’ve never wanted to get dressed up in leather or go to an orgy or anything. And I’m monogamous – at the end of the day, I want to do these things with my husband… I just haven’t found him yet.

 

Me: Do you find it difficult to reconcile these two parts of your life?

Celine: So difficult. If any of the people at church knew what I was into I don’t know what they’d think. Sometimes I feel really dirty and low, because I’m standing there with them singing or in prayer and I’m still hurting because last night a guy I met on the internet fucked me in the ass. I’m probably one of the most sinful people at the church I go to, and so sometimes it does make me feel kind of dirty by comparison.

The way I make sense of it to myself is that God gave me this body. By enjoying it I’m enjoying and embracing the gift he gave me. It’s hard to remember that sometimes. I think I would feel better if I could find a single, steady partner who also shared my faith. It’s only out of necessity that I date – I’m really a very traditional and very monogamous person.

 

Me: You told me once how difficult it was to find a nice Christian man who was also into kinky stuff.

Celine: Yeah. That’s basically the dream, because I only want one guy in my life, and so it needs to be someone who I can take home to my family and think about getting married to one day – and who will go to church and support me in church stuff – but who also will fuck me really hard and hurt me and call me names, or force me sometimes. That’s a difficult thing to find, because most of the guys I go on dates with are just too nice. I want them to take control, but they’re so intent on respecting my boundaries that they would never dream of it… and it’s not the same if you have to ask them to do it. It’s frustrating. I think even the guys who aren’t Christian think that because I am I must be through and through vanilla.

 

Me: So for now you’re dating guys off the internet?

Celine: Yeah. I try and keep it secret, because just the fact that I’m on Tinder would be an absolute scandal if anyone at church found out – never mind that I have a profile on FetLife. I’ve met several guys who will fuck me the way I want to be fucked, but I know that I’m never going to marry any of them. It’s a stopgap thing. Something to keep me from going insane while I wait to meet my husband.

I have also dated one or two guys from church. They were lovely. Very nice, very cosy. But they wouldn’t even kiss me after half-a-dozen dates, and we would spend the night together without them laying a finger on me. It drove me insane.

 

Me: Does the idea that what you’re doing is transgressive and forbidden ever turn you on?

Celine: I don’t think so. Well, actually, it does in the moment. Sometimes when I’m tied up and being fucked and a guy is calling me a slut and a whore I get this deep, dark feeling of arousal because it’s so bad, so wrong, but I’m liking it. I can feel my body responding to it, and it makes me feel slutty and deeply submissive. But any time that I’m not turned on I’m not usually too proud of what I enjoy.

 

Me: If you could switch off that part of your brain and not be interested in kink stuff anymore, would you?

Celine: Maybe. But that’s not possible… and even if it was it wouldn’t be my decision to make. God made me the way I am, and gave me my issues and my sexuality to deal with. Working out how has been part of my journey. All the yearning and the want… I think it will all come into focus when I find the right man for me, and can really give myself over to him. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I trust that I will get there, and I wouldn’t take any shortcuts on the way – even though it would make life considerably easier.

 

Me: Tell me about a favourite sexual memory that you have.

Celine: There was a time with a guy off Tinder. It was the second time we’d slept together. He was fucking me, but then he pulled out and told me to choose whether he finished in my mouth or my ass. I hate giving oral, and I knew it would hurt in my ass, so at first I wouldn’t choose either… but he made me, and eventually he put in my ass. I thought about that for weeks afterwards