Green Condoms

Green Condom Club - Our review of Green Condom Club's new Green Condom, a vegan condom that doesn't smell bad.

I have something of a love/hate relationship when it comes to condoms. On the one hand they allow me to enjoy casual sex by hugely minimising the risk that I’ll catch an infection or accidentally xerox myself. Great! On the other hand, they dull sensation, smell bad, and are hugely inconvenient.

Short of getting a vasectomy or experimentally slathering my cock with glue, however, condoms are pretty much the best contraceptive solution available to men at the moment. That being the case, I’m always pretty excited when any company attempts to make them at least a little bit less rubbish.

The main selling point of the new Green Condom (sold by Swiss company Green Condom Club) is that it’s vegan. I’m not even vegetarian – which given the current state of the environment is basically a morally-indefensible decision. But, counterpoint: I like steak and hitting people with things made of cow. Such is life. The moment lab-grown meat becomes convincing I’ll be the first to jump ship to it. Until then, I’m afraid, pigs are just too bloody delicious.

What I’m trying to say is that, in addition to caring about the quality of condoms, I would also quite like to find ways to be less dickish to animals that don’t involve giving up things I enjoy altogether. As such, when someone offered to send me some newly-developed vegan condoms, I was all over it like the kind of virulent rash the very same condoms might help prevent.

It’s possible, if you are vegan (or even just allergic to some of the many esoteric ingredients to be found in most conventional condoms), that the existence of a vegan condom is great news to you. If that’s the case, you don’t really need to carry on reading until the end. Go buy some now and try them out for yourself. The short version of the rest of this is: they’re pretty good.

For those still reading, there’s another good reason why these condoms are fun: they don’t smell. You almost certainly know the scent of condoms – a combination of latex and industrial lube. It’s a scent that lingers in a kind of stale funk in a room where you’ve been fucking, even after you’ve removed the offending prophylactics to the outside bin. It is distinct, and while not offensive, it’s certainly less preferable to me than the honest smells of sweat and come that you get when fucking without condoms.

Green Condoms are mostly absent of any particular scent. If you get your nose up close to them there’s a hint of something… but they certainly don’t permeate the room. The ultimate effect of this goes beyond just ridding the room of a latexy scent. Without the smell it’s much easier to forget that you’re wearing a thin layer of rubber at all. Add to that the fact that they’re thin, pliable, and come with some excellent lube, and Green Condoms are probably worth their approximate dollar-per-unit pricetag.

Green Condom Club – the designers and marketers of the Green Condom – also make some gestures towards minimising the inconvenience of remembering to get condoms in the first place. As well as buying them in boxes of up to a hundred, you can sign up for a postal subscription of five, fifteen or thirty condoms each month, depending on your level of sluttiness. There are also, delightfully, gift certificates. What better present could you give a loved one than a year of better, safer sex?

According to Green Condom Club’s website, the impetus behind the design of the Green Condom was a conversation about some of the less pleasant ingredients in the more widely-available prophylactics on the market. Whether you’re worried about something toxic in your sheath, or want a clearer conscience around your sex life… or even just don’t like the way standard condoms stank up a room, Green Condoms could be worth a look.

And besides, even if you don’t like them there are plenty of fun ways to use them up that don’t involve penetration. Me and my partner-in-experimentation used at least three as water balloons and can confirm they work just fine for this purpose too.


In case you didn’t know, I also write filthy stories. Wanna read some?

Used vegan condoms? Loved them? Hated them? Tell me all about it.

If you love chucking a condom full of water around, we should definitely be friends.

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