Review: Green Condoms

Green Condom Club - Our review of Green Condom Club's new Green Condom, a vegan condom that doesn't smell bad.

I have something of a love/hate relationship when it comes to condoms. On the one hand they allow me to enjoy casual sex by hugely minimising the risk that I’ll catch an infection or get someone pregnant. Great! On the other hand, they dull sensation, smell bad, and are hugely inconvenient. But, short of getting a vasectomy or experimentally slathering my cock with glue, condoms are pretty much the best contraceptive solution available to men at the moment. That being the case, I’m always pretty excited when any company attempts to make them at least a little bit better.

The main selling point of the new Green Condom (sold by Swiss company Green Condom Club) is that it’s vegan. I’m not – although if I was a better person I’d certainly try to be. Meat is just too good to give up, but I’m eagerly awaiting the proliferation of the lab-grown stuff that arrives on your plate without cruelty or massive damage to the environment. I am, in short, pretty in favour of animal-free products so long as they can compete with their animal-containing equivalents.

It’s possible, if you are vegan (or even just allergic to some of the many esoteric ingredients to be found in most conventinal condoms), that the existence of a vegan condom is great news to you. If that’s the case, you don’t really need to carry on reading until the end. Go buy some now and try them out for yourself. The short version of the rest of this review is: they’re pretty good.

The animal-free nature of these condoms, for me at least, wasn’t their major selling point. Instead it was something rather unexpected: they don’t smell. You almost certainly know the scent of condoms – a combination of latex and industrial lube. It’s a scent that lingers in a kind of stale funk in a room where you’ve been fucking, even after you’ve removed the offending prophylactics to the outside bin. It is distinct, and while not overly offensive, it’s certainly less preferable to me that the smell of human sweat and come that you get when fucking without condoms.

Green Condoms are absent of this smell. If you get your nose up close to them there’s a hint of something, but they certainly don’t permeate the room. The ultimate effect of this goes beyond just ridding the room of a latexy scent. Without the smell it’s much easier to forget that you’re wearing a thin layer of rubber at all – their scentlessness contributes to a sensory landscape that’s feels both more pleasurable and more natural. Add to that the fact that they’re thin, pliable, and come with some excellent lube, and Green Condoms are probably worth their approximate dollar-per-unit pricetag.

Green Condom Club – the designers and marketers of the Green Condom – also make some gestures towards minimising their inconvenience. As well as buying them in boxes of up to a hundred, you can also sign up for a postal subscription of five, fifteen or thirty condoms each month, depending on your level of sluttiness. There are also, delightfully, gift certificates. What better present could you give a loved one than a year of better, safer sex?

According to Green Condom Club’s website, the impetus behind the design of the Green Condom was a conversation about some of the less pleasant ingredients in the more widely-available prophylactics on the market. Whether you’re worried about something toxic in your sheath, or want a clearer conscience around your sex life… or even just don’t like the way standard condoms stank up a room, Green Condoms could be worth a look. Even if you don’t like them… well, there are plenty of fun ways to use them that don’t involve sex.


Green Condoms are available in a range of quantities and subcription packages from the Green Condom Club website, where you can also read a whole bunch more about what they contain.