Anal is the Marmite of fucking. You either love it or it squicks you out – and most people I’ve broached the subject with fall squarely into that second camp. Why, they often ask, would you want to stick your dick in there when there’s a perfectly good vagina just inches away? It’s either that or they’re afraid of breaking their ass/getting shit on their dick.
And, yes, neither of those things is exactly desirable. But: news. Thousands of asses get fucked on a daily basis without any trauma or trips to the emergency room. And anal is fun even if it’s messy. The ass is all muscle, and it’s tight, and if you’re a sadistic freak like me who gets off on hurting people it can be used in a way that is as pleasingly efficient as a multi-function printer.
(Likewise, though, if you don’t get high on pain, remember that it doesn’t have to hurt. Done right it feels, for a lot of people, very good.)
To me, the ass is Pandora’s Box. It’s there, just waiting to be used. Good, bad, painful or otherwise, it’ll be an exciting journey to stick something in it. And, so long as you know what you’re doing, the chances of something going wrong are minimal.
The trouble, of course, is that most people attempt anal without knowing their ass from their elbow (the elbow is the one that you should never put on the table), and end up having a consequently shitty time of it.
As a public service, then, here’s everything you need to know in order to have the kind of anal that won’t end up with you being the subject of a hilarious interview on my blog. The kind of anal that you might actually enjoy. You can thank me later… after you’ve washed your hands.
Having effused about how much I like ass-fucking, there’s something I should point out: I’m into it. Lots of people are into it. You don’t have to be. There’s already a grotty sea of Cosmo articles which imply that anal is as normal as scones and jam, designed to read with a level of smug assuredness that will make anyone who doesn’t want to go near the asshole feel as though they’re guilty of a lack of adventurous spirit.
Sometimes people seem genuinely guilty when they say they don’t like anal. Which is giraffeshit. If it squicks you out, just skip it, and don’t let anyone shame you for it. It is, after all, not really what the ass is for…
As well as being one of my favourite words, a douche is a tool that you use to clean your ass before receiving anal. This is done by squirting water into your ass and then expelling it, effectively cleansing that area and ensuring that there’s a minimum of ick when you later let someone fuck you there.
There are a number of different methods, but the ones I recommend are the bulb-style squirty douches, and the gravity-fed bags. Read the reviews before buying and pretend they’re about earphones. It’s hilarious.
As for method, it’s pretty simple. For the bulb-style douches, fill a sink with water of a comfortable temperature. Squeeze all the air out of the douche bulb, submerge it completely, and unsqueeze. It’ll fill up with water. Glug. Take it out, dry it off, and lube up the tip. Get yourself in a comfortable position, squeeze the bulb a little until some water comes out (to get rid of any excess air) and then insert it an inch or so into your ass.
Squeeze the bulb and fill yourself with a comfortable amount of water. You may be able to take the full douche, or you may prefer less. Once that’s done, remove the douche. You should be able to comfortably hold the water inside yourself for a minute or so while you scoot over to the toilet and take a seat. Release. Bear down to expel the water, then clean yourself up and repeat the whole process until the water you’re expelling is clean.
With a gravity-fed douche the procedure is only slightly different. The water goes into a bag or other receptacle from which leads a tube terminating in an insertable tip. Fill up the bag or bottle, let some water flow through the pipe so that there are no air bubbles, then lube up and insert the tip. The water pressure will depend on how high up you hold the bag, so adjust for comfort, fill yourself, remove the tip and evacuate as before.
Do I Need To Douche?
Whether you douche or not is up to you and your partner. In the PRO column, it means you can have anal without the ick, which might be what you need in order to really relax and enjoy yourself. Under CON, however, is the fact that squirting a quart of lukewarm tapwater into your anal cavity isn’t (surprise, surprise) a natural thing to do. Done too aggressively it can strip out the moisture of your rectum. Oh, and it has to be done in advance, which takes any spontaneous trips to ass-town off the itinerary.
Not douching doesn’t mean that you’re guaranteed to end up with shit all over the shop. Your rectum is not constantly full – in fact it only really has shit in it right before a bowel movement. The rest of the time residue should be minimal. For a lot of people it’s enough to ensure that your partner has had a bowel movement several hours before you stick your dick in there. Which, granted, isn’t the sexiest question to whisper in their ear during foreplay…
Not bragging, but a cock can be a pretty big thing to put inside your ass right out of the gate. Butt plugs and other anal toys give you a chance to work up to it, and are – to be honest – pretty fun in their own right. But, since the sex toy industry is essentially the wild west when it comes to regulation, there’s a bit of checklist when it comes to getting one that’s going to be safe to use.
When buying a plug there are a few things that you should look out for. You may wish to get a phthalate-free one. The jury is out on phthalates, but there’s a chance that they could cause medical problems down the road, and there’s very little difference between a toy with phthalates and a good-quality one without.
You’ll also want one with a flared base. The ass is a strong muscle, and when it contracts it can effectively suck toys up into your rectum. If that happens, it means an embarrassing trip to the emergency room – and that’s a situation most of us want to avoid. For this reason, it pays to get anal toys which come with a base so big there’s no way it could ever end up inside you. A flared base also gives you something to grip when in use, and means you can stand it upright on a surface once it has been used, minimizing mess.
You’ll also want some decent anal lubricant (I recommend this one). Whatever you buy, make sure it’s suitable for anal use (regular lubricant dries out too quickly), and is compatible with any plugs or other toys you plan to use with it (don’t mix silicon lube with a silicon butt plug). While you’re picking up the lube, grab some sex toy cleaner or skin-safe disinfectant wipes as well; these will help you keep things clean once you’re done.
When using butt plugs you can play with your partner, or prepare your ass when you’re on your own. Make sure the plug is clean, then slather it with lube and press the pointy end (always use the pointy end, just like with swords) into your asshole. Take it easy, and don’t rush things. It should slide in comfortably and without pain. If it doesn’t, stop and try to relax for a minute. Being turned on can really help. You’ll feel it go in, and there’ll be a moment when it slips fully into place (most plugs have a narrow “neck” that your ass will grip, and which will keep the plug in place).
Once the plug is in, you can let go – assuming, of course, that you have one with a flared base. The shape of the plug should ensure that your ass grips it tight and doesn’t squeeze it out. But if you do eject it, remember: statistically speaking, this probably isn’t even in the top million embarrassing things happening on earth right now. Laugh, pick it up, clean it off, try again.
Give your body a few minutes to adjust to the plug once you have it in. When you’re comfortable with it, you can consider moving up to a larger size. If you like the sensation you can keep a plug in for a few hours without problems – most will fit neatly under your clothes. If it’s been in for a while, you may want to strategically reapply a little lube before removing it (#protip).
If you’re planning on inserting fingers into your partner’s ass, file down your nails beforehand. It’s only polite. Think of it as taking off your shoes when you enter someone’s house. Also make sure that you have whatever condoms, lube, gloves and toys you plan on using to hand. If you can unpack everything and set it out so that you can retrieve a given item with one hand so much the better. Trust me on this.
Actually Doing It
For anal, I prefer condoms. If I have my lab coat on, I’ll say it’s because anal involves a slightly higher risk of communicable disease and infection for both partners, and that condoms also prevent the accidental leakage of semen from the ass to the vagina (what a way to get pregnant). Really though, I’m just leery about the mess. Most normal condoms will, in practice, be fine – but you’re supposed to use ones that have been specifically designed for anal. For reasons of extremely British propriety, these are never labelled as being for anal, but will instead be called something cryptic, like “Extra-thick” or “Extra-safe”. If you’re unsure, just take them up to the counter and loudly ask the pharmacist if they’re good for butt-fucking.
Gloves are also an option if you’re going to be inserting a finger (or fingers [or a whole hand]) into your partner’s ass. Excessively careful? Not really. Gloves protect any cuts or abrasions on your hands, and are also useful if you want to play with your partner’s ass, and then later touch them elsewhere – for example, their cunt. If you just use your bare hands you stand a chance of transferring germs or mess from the ass to other parts of the body. Use a glove and you can strip it off and dispose of it when you want to change travel zones.
Most first-time receivers assume that all fours is their best option, but that can be pretty intense if you haven’t tried it before. You may wish instead to opt for a position where the receiving partner can limit the depth of the penetrating partner a little more easily. A good beginner position is spoons – that is, with the receiving partner lying on their side with the penetrating partner behind them, like a pair of spoons chilling out in the kitchen drawer on one of the rare occasions when your housemate doesn’t jumble up all the cutlery.
Another popular position is with the receiving partner lying flat on their front with the penetrating partner on top of them. Although this doesn’t give the receiver much control, it is more comfortable and limits depth better than doggy style.
One of the most frequently-asked questions when it comes to anal is, “How much lube is the right amount?” The answer is a lot. Seriously. More than that. More. You’ll want to apply lube to the outside of the condom, and to the anal area as well. If you don’t end up with a big wet patch of lube on the sheets afterwards you were probably using too little.
If you’re not using a lubricant that’s specifically made for anal sex there’s a chance it’ll dry out during the process – so you may wish to stop periodically to reapply lube for maximum comfort. To avoid this, use anal lube. Lots of it. Like, get a handful of lube, apply it, then get some more. You want it to be dripping off you. Friction is your enemy.
Getting It In
As far as achieving anal penetration goes, it helps immensely if the receiver is turned on. You can stimulate them with a clean hand, or they can stimulate themselves to help with the whole procedure. Most people also find anal sex as a whole more enjoyable when they’re aroused.
The receiver should try to relax as much as possible… although trying to relax is usually about as effective as trying not to think of the Queen of England. Some people find it helpful to bear down when receiving anal, as though trying to push something out of their ass rather than accept it in. This can feel strange, but it’s a pretty effective way to relax the ol’ sphincters.
You shouldn’t have to push very hard to penetrate your partner’s ass. If you can’t get it in, the solution is not to keep pushing harder, but to try and find a way to help them relax more, or go back to stretching and training them with fingers, butt plugs or other toys.
Summary: at first, go slow. The ass is not a fleshlight. It’s not even a cunt. Begin more slowly and more carefully than if you were fucking your partner in the mouth or cunt. Read their reactions. Pause or take a break if needed. It might take a while to get all the way inside. Be chill. Take your time. Their ass isn’t going anywhere.
Once you are fully inside your partner, it’s up to them how things proceed. Some receivers actually find a faster, rougher pace more comfortable than a slow one. Some only find it enjoyable if it is accompanied by manual stimulation. Some will find it painful and some will not. Ask them. Experiment. Find out what works for you.
You’ll Shit Yourself
Not true, if you take even minor precautions. Your rectum is generally free of anything but slight residue except when you’re about to have a bowel movement. Therefore (can’t believe I’m about to write this): don’t take it in the ass when you need to shit. Simple.
Assuming you follow this precaution there is almost no chance of you shitting yourself, and indeed minimal chance of the penetrating partner getting shit on their dick – perhaps a minor spot or streak at worst. If that grosses them out, they can wear a condom and dispose of it afterwards.
You’ll Damage Your Ass
Not going to lie: it’s possible, but unlikely. You’re doing something pretty unnatural in shoving something up there, but caution, lube and a non-dickhead partner should preclude any real damage. Don’t be too shy to say when something hurts.
Some minor pain or very minor bleeding is possible after anal play. If it’s anything more than minor, see a doctor. Yes, it’s embarrassing – I don’t care. If you fuck around with your health just because you’re embarrassed you probably should never have been given the keys to your body in the first place.
“Okay, but what about INSERT SITUATION HERE?”
Leakage And Pregnancy
You might think that pregnancy is a pretty unlikely outcome of anal sex, but it can and does happen. The chance is small, but come can leak from the ass into the vagina, or be transferred in other ways. Wearing a condom will, of course, help prevent this – as will the receiver taking a moment to expel the semen after sex and wipe themselves clean.
Getting Toys Stuck
It is entirely possible to get things lodged in your ass. Ask my friend Marlou. The ass is a powerful muscle, and doesn’t terminate after a short distance like the vagina. A muscle spasm can effectively suck a toy into the ass, after which it will be very difficult to remove without medical intervention.
To prevent this, be judicious about what you allow in your ass. Choose high-quality toys with a flared base or handle. Only put things in your ass that are designed to go in there. (Which means cucumbers are a no, okay internet?) And, if it does happen, don’t let embarrassment make the situation worse – go to the hospital, ‘fess up, laugh at yourself, and get it removed by a professional. Don’t worry: they do this all the time.
Play involving the ass gives rise to the risk that germs, dirt and other matter from the ass might be transferred to other parts of the body – namely the vagina or urethra. If this happens it can cause urinary tract infections or worse.
Using a condom will make this less likely for the penetrating partner. And it helps if both partners wash their genitals after anal sex, and urinate in order to clear any germs from their sexy sexy urinary tracts.
Pain And Discomfort
Some minor pain or discomfort both during and for a time after anal is normal. If your pain is anything other than mild, or if there is bleeding that is anything other than very mild, or if your pain persists for more than a day or so, consult a doctor.
Some women note that they experience mild cramps if they do not expel the ejaculate after their partner comes in their ass – again though, these are only mild; anything more severe should be cause for concern.
Again, this is an extreme scenario, and pretty unlikely if you follow sensible precautions and play with a degree of caution. If it happens, you will likely notice pain and blood, and may be able to see the tear itself. If you’re reading this guide to find out what to do in this eventuality: slap yourself around the head and go find a doctor.
Enjoyed this? Found it useful? Tell me about it so that I know how many asses have been fucked because of me.