Sex is often deliciously messy… but constantly replacing blood- and cum-stained sheets can get expensive. If you regularly have the kind of sex that spills body fluids all over the place, you should know how to properly launder your bedclothes.
Here’s how to clean up every conceivable bodily fluid using the same few simple materials.
Contents
Things You’ll Need
The cleaning products you’ll want to stock vary depending on what’s available in the place you live and your specific cleaning needs. If you can get them, though, I’d recommend at least the following.
Spot Stain Remover
A pre-treatment spot stain remover (common brands include Oxiclean and Vanish). Most handy if it’s in a spray bottle. Apply directly to stains to loosen them before a wash. These usually need to be applied and then left for up to an hour to do their work.
Laundry Detergent
I recommend a biological laundry detergent, which uses enzymes to break down stains. Biological detergents can cause skin irritation for some people. If that’s you, a non-bio detergent will work almost as well, and should be less irritating.
Dish Soap
Almost any brand of liquid dish soap with work just fine. Some people confidently assert that Dawn or Fairy are superior, but most dish soaps are basically the same stuff. Use whatever you have to hand.
Brush or Cloth
You may wish to have a dedicated brush or microfiber cloth to scrub bodily fluid stains with; this can be preferable to using the same one that you do your dishes with. I recommend a microfiber cloth, as it doesn’t leave lint.
Safety Pins
If you’re trying to clean one or two small stains off a bedsheet, it can be easy to lose track of where the stains are. Attach a safety pin next to the stain so that you can easily find it after washing and check that it has been fully removed.
Baking Soda
Ordinary kitchen baking soda is useful for its absorbent qualities. It can be sprinkled on fresh stains to draw liquids out of fabric.
How To Clean Each Stain/Mess
Once you have the above materials, here’s the process for cleaning up each and every possible post-coital mess you might encounter.
Hair
You may find that if you’ve been yanking on your partner’s hair, quite a lot of it has parted company with their scalp. You can pick stray hairs off sheets by hand, or vacuum them up with a low power handheld vacuum (regular vacuums just suck up the sheets themselves).
It’s worth taking a moment to remove stray hairs before washing your sheets if your partner has long hair and/or they’ve lost a lot of it. One or two stray hairs aren’t a problem, but a lot of them can form an unpleasant, tangled hairball in the wash.
Tears
Tears are fairly benign, but may leave a faint patchy white outline on your sheets. This is just trace amounts of salt. It’ll wash out easily on any hot or cold laundry cycle.
Makeup
Pre-treat any makeup stains with a spot stain remover or dish soap – apply, leave to soak in, scrub with a cloth or brush. Once pre-treated wash on the hottest cycle the sheets can tolerate and then air dry. Repeat if necessary.
Don’t machine dry, as this can cause a makeup stain to “set” into the fabric and become permanent.
Sweat
Sweat stains can be removed by most ordinary detergents on a hot or cold laundry cycle. There’s no need to pre-treat.
Blood
There’s no major difference between period blood and blood that results from breaking the skin during kinky activities… except that period blood may include a few substantial clots. If it does, pick these off before washing.
Pre-treat bloodstains with a spot stain remover – apply it to both sides of the fabric and leave it to soak in for an hour or more. Once pre-treated, wash on the hottest cycle the sheets can tolerate, assess the stain and repeat the process if necessary. Once the stain is gone, air dry your sheets.
Don’t machine dry bloodstained sheets, as this can “set” the blood into the fabric, making the stain a permanent one.
Cum
The consistency of cum differs from person to person, and changes over the course of time once it’s outside the body.
If you’re cleaning fresh cum stains: soak the stain in cold water, apply a little soap and agitate until the stain is mostly gone – then wash the sheets as normal on a hot or cold wash.
If you’re cleaning dried cum stains: wash the sheets as normal on a hot or cold wash.
Lube (Water-Based)
Different lubes may stain differently. Water-based lube is the most inoffensive, least staining, and most compatible with a wide range of toys and bodies, so I always recommend using water-based lube unless you really like one of the alternatives.
Stains from water-based lube require no special treatment. You can wash stained sheets as normal using a hot or cold cycle.
Lube (Oil-Based)
To clean up oil-based lube, pre-treat the stain with dish soap, agitate with a brush or cloth and let sit for half an hour, then wash on the hottest cycle the sheets can tolerate. Air dry your sheets and repeat the process if the stain remains. Don’t machine-dry oil stained sheets as this can “set” the stain and make it permanent.
If this does not work, you can attempt to use a fabric degreaser, although the effectiveness of these products varies.
Some oil-based products are very resistant to cleaning, and may take many cycles to fully wash out… or may never properly wash out once they’ve soaked into your sheets.
Lube (Silicone-Based)
To clean up silicone-based lube, pre-treat the stain with a spot stain-remover and sprinkle it with baking soda. Let sit for an hour or more, scrape off and discard the baking soda crust, then wash on the hottest cycle the sheets can tolerate. Assess the stain, and repeat the process if necessary.
Some silicone-based products can be very difficult to clean, and may take several cycles to fully was out… or may never properly wash out once they’ve stained your sheets.
Female Ejaculate
Girl cum can leave a whitish stain on sheets. This is the whitish material produced by skene’s glands during sex. It can be removed by washing sheets as normal on a hot or cold wash. You may wish to pre-treat particularly extensive or stubborn stains with a spot stain remover before washing, though this usually isn’t necessary.
Squirt/Piss
Urine and the fluid produced by women who squirt (which is mostly urine) are basically inoffensive. Any faint staining they cause can be remedied by washing sheets with an ordinary detergent (preferably biological) on the hottest cycle the sheets can tolerate.
You may also need to clean and dry a piss-soaked mattress, which is more tricky as they usually don’t fit inside a washing machine.
First, dry the mattress. Blot as much liquid as possible away with a dry towel or disposable paper towels, without rubbing. You can also use a layer of baking soda to draw out some extra moisture: apply it, wait an hour, then scrape off and discard the baking soda crust.
Treat the site of the stain with a pre-wash fabric cleaner or carpet cleaning foam. Apply, scrub in, and leave to dry.
Next, dry the mattress. If you can arrange for it to be placed outside in the sunshine, great – otherwise consider:
- Pointing a fan at it
- Standing it on its side to increase airflow
- Opening windows to ventilate the room
- Running a dehumidifier in the same room
- All of the above
Even once the surface of the mattress is dry to the touch, you should continue the drying process for another few hours to ensure that it’s dry throughout.
Shit
Accidents happen, especially if you’re engaging in anal play. If the mere idea of a small amount of shit getting on your sheets is unpalatably gross, you should consider avoiding anal play.
Clean away any solid matter using disposable wet wipes or disposable towels. Pre-treat the stain with a spot stain remover and leave to sit for at least an hour. Then wash on the hottest cycle the sheets can tolerate.
Protective Measures
Cleaning up is all well and good… but is there a way to minimise the mess in the first place?
Some people purchase protective waterproof sheets (especially useful if you or your partner is a prolific squirter). These allow you to have all the fun you want in bed… and then also comfortably sleep there afterwards, without having to avoid a massive damp patch.
🛍️ Available From: Bondara 🛍️
For other messy play, people often simply put down a towel or two first.
However… it can sometimes be a bit unsexy to have to put things on pause to protect the bedsheets. I find it preferable simply to own sheets that I can replace if needed, know how to wash them of any common sexy stain… and then just not worry about it in the moment.
Be First to Comment