Words matter. They matter in almost any context… but they matter especially in kink, where we often find ourselves dealing with things that are complex, nuanced, or tainted by a hint of societal shame.
In this context, the power of word choice is dramatic. The words you use to think about certain sex acts will directly affect how much you enjoy them. The way you talk about certain sex acts will directly affect how you and your partner(s) experience them.
By doing something as simple as using different language, you can completely change the way you feel about certain kinks and fetishes, and thereby massively broaden the sexual territory you’re able to explore.
This isn’t, by the way, a revolutionary concept. Linguists have long been aware of the many creative ways in which humans use euphemisms to avoid taboo subjects, soften difficult conversations, and make difficult concepts instantly more palatable.
So how can we actually use this in the context of kink?
Let’s take anal sex as an example. Something which deters many people from trying anal is the possibility that shit will be involved. Most people find shit gross. They don’t like it. Even the mention of it is an instant-turn off. It generates feelings of shame and disgust (thanks, society).
Using deliberately blunt or clinical language makes this aversion significantly worse. “Faeces” is an actively unpleasant word. It causes an almost instant squick response in almost everyone who hears it. Using it in this context is almost never going to be helpful. It’s not going to create an environment where exploring anal sex is an enjoyable or easy process.
So, instead, why don’t we use a euphemism? Mess. You’re not worried about shitting yourself or voiding your bowels. You’re worried about making a mess – a much more manageable and less shameful prospect.
By linguistically minimising the thing which provokes disgust, we instantly and easily make the act itself more accessible.
You can apply this to any act around which you experience feelings of shame of disgust. Words are emotive triggers, and poor word choice can be a real barrier to enjoyment. If you want to get into anal, but find yourself feeling awkward or grossed out, changing the language you use is a first step towards getting over that.
This goes for the words you use in your own head every bit as much as the words you use when talking to your partner(s). The terms we use to think about things and concepts have a huge impact on the way we feel about them.
Here are some examples:
| Dysphemism | Clinical Term | Euphemism |
|---|---|---|
| Piss | Urine | Water |
| Shit | Faeces | Dirt |
| Sick | Vomit | Tummy goo |
| Drool | Saliva | Spit |
Of course, the above list is not universal or prescriptive. We all have different life experiences, and different feelings about different words. The above are some common examples, but it’s really up to you to work out what terms minimise disgust and shame for you.
Luckily, you’ll usually have a wide range of words to choose from. Nowhere is this more true than when referring to female genitals. Here are some things you can call a cunt:
- Cunt
- Pussy
- Vagina
- Hole
- Quim
- Twat
- Punani
- Puss
- Snatch
- Muff
- Minge
- Yoni
- Front bottom
Every individual will have radically different feelings about each of the words above. Some will consider “cunt” vulgar, and “pussy” pornographic. Others will find those same terms delightful and alluring. It’s up to you to work out the words that work for you.
And, of course, there may be times when (far from trying to minimise disgust) you want to maximise it. When trying to humiliate or shame someone (for the purposes of your mutual enjoyment) the exact opposite tactic can be used.
Instead of employing euphemisms, employ dysphemisms. Deliberately select the more vulgar terms, the most crass and loaded language.
The words you use do matter – not because of some moral imperative to keep speech “clean”, but because your language influences your own thoughts, feelings and limitations. Which, of course, means that simply by being mindful of the words you use and the feelings they bring up in you, you can begin to change those same feelings, little by little.
Sources
https://journals.openedition.org/lexis/2397
My lady friend requires me to be polite and clean even in anal sex. I have to do an enema two hours earlier and another immediately before she starts with her fingers and strap-ons. When I use curse words in pain from her whippings, she adds a penalty. She says ” you are playing with a Lady. You may cry or yell if the pain you need is hard to bear, but you may never never be rude to your mistress.” At first i thought that was unrealistic, because the severe canings would trigger loss of control of what comes out of my mouth. But I have learned that she is sort of right. I don’t curse even when she goes overboard.
Sounds like a fun time for all concerned!