A soft limit is a way of categorising a kinky activity that you are slightly unsure or wary of. For example, you might say that, “being caned is a soft limit for me” to indicate that you’re not certain that you’d enjoy being caned, but might consider trying it sometime.
Soft limits are in contrast to hard limits. Categorising something as a hard limit is a way of indicating that you definitely don’t like it and don’t ever want to try it.
Being able to talk about soft limits and hard limits is very useful for negotiation. If you want to play with other kinky people, it’s a good idea to be able to list your soft and hard limits… and to be aware enough to ask other people what theirs are.
Both tops (dominants) and bottoms (submissives) can have soft limits.
Most people want to explore their soft limits, but are cautious about doing so. When playing with someone, it is good etiquette to explicitly ask before trying something that’s a soft limit with them. Though they may generally want to explore their soft limits, they may have specific wishes about how and when and where they do so.
People have lots of reasons for having soft limits. They may decide that a particular activity is a soft limit because:
- They are excited by the idea of a particular act, but wary of putting it into practise
- They have an injury that means caution is necessary for certain activities
- They only want to do an activity with certain people or in certain contexts
- They like an activity (for example, spanking) but only when it is done gently
- They like an activity, but they want to save it for special occasions
If you explore a soft limit and decide that it’s really not for you, you can reclassify it as a hard limit. If you explore a soft limit and decide that you really enjoy it, you can declare it no longer a limit, and instead a newly-discovered kink. Hurrah!
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