A BDSM contract is a written agreement between two people, outlining the exact ways in which they’re going to organise their kink-based relationship. To anyone used to vanilla pairings, having a written document outlining the terms and conditions of your relationship might sound weird… but it’s actually a really good idea.
Kink couplings are complicated, and there are a lot of things to consider. A contract can help keep everything in order. Plus obedience and rules are a big part of many kink relationships. A contract is one of the best, clearest (and, by some measures, hottest) ways of setting out the rules you’ll play by.
Contents
What’s the point in BDSM contracts?
What form does a BDSM contract take?
What should a BDSM contract contain?
Are BDSM contracts legal?
No. They’re not. BDSM contracts exist only for the benefit of the people involved, and should be considered to be for fun, nothing more.
No matter what language a BDSM contract is couched in, how official it looks, or how fancy the paper it’s printed on, it will not be taken seriously by anyone outside of the relationship.
What’s the point in BDSM contracts?
If they’re not “real”, then what’s the point in having a BDSM contract?
Well, there are a few things people tend to get from them. First and foremost, they’re hot. Sitting down with your partner and devising a set of strict, extensive rules by which you’ll conduct your relationship is a submissive fantasy come true.
Contracts can also be comforting and useful, as they set out very clearly the expectations and responsibilities of everyone involved in a relationship. Every relationship is a process of negotiation. By making use of a contract you’re just making that negotiation clear and explicit.
And finally, a contract is a sign of commitment. Having a BDSM contract with a partner is a little bit more serious than casual play, and indicates (if by nothing else than the term of the contract) that both parties intend to stick with this for a while.
What form does a BDSM contract take?
Ideally your contract should be accessible to both parties involved in the relationship, so that they can consult it whenever they need.
If you want to opt for a printed contract, you can either keep it in a mutually agreed-upon location where you both have access to it (like, say, the cupboard under the stairs), or you can make multiple copies so that you can each keep one.
If you’re happy with a digital contract, it’s much easier to store it in a mutually-accessible place. Try Dropbox, Box, Google Drive, or a similar service that allows you to share documents and collaborate.
Whether digital or physical, it goes without saying that you should keep the contract safe and secret. Lock it in a filing cabinet, protect it with a password, or seal it in an envelope… whatever you do, don’t just leave it lying around.
When to sign a BDSM contract?
In Fifty Shades of Grey the dom character whips out a contract before he and his lover have even fucked. This really isn’t how people do things in the real world. Few and far between are the real humans who’ll want to sign a contract before engaging in a first play session.
They might well do some paperwork (like a checklist, for example) but contracts are generally for those who have gotten to know one another at least a little, and are ready to take their dominant/submissive relationship to the next level.
What should a BDSM contract contain?
There’s almost no limit to what you can put in a BDSM contract – it really all depends on what suits you and your relationship. That said, I’ve drafted a pretty comprehensive contract that you’re welcome to use. It’s in an editable format, so you can easily adapt it to suit you and your lover.
Like most BDSM contracts, mine contains:
- An introduction, stating the purpose of the contract
- Affirmations for both the dominant and the submissive partner
- Rules for the submissive partner to follow
- Responsibilities for the dominant partner to take on
- Guidelines for the use, renewal, term, and adaptation of the contract
- A place for both parties to sign
My contract has got a bit of everything – including clauses pertaining to masturbation, personal attire, oral servitude and more.
Download Editable BDSM ContractI’d suggest downloading it and working through it with your partner, discussing each clause and deciding what to keep and what to throw out. The end result will be a flexible, adaptable, comprehensive BDSM contract that works for you and your unique relationship.
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