A hypothetical situation: you’re in a relationship with someone who you like a whole lot. They’re a good partner. You have a strong bond. You want the relationship to continue. But… there’s a problem. They’re not into kink stuff, and you very much are.
How can you introduce them to kink without scaring them off? How open should you be about your innermost desires? And how can you help them feel comfortable enough to do kinky things with/to you?
This is a tough question. Doubly so for people who are generally submissive in nature – it can be tricky to get what you want without feeling like you’re driving the rollercoaster.
Here, then, is some basic, general advice for introducing a vanilla partner to kink.
Contents
Approaches to corrupting your partner
A caveat
Before we begin: you must accept the fact that your partner might not be into it.
Whatever your thing is (foot fetish, rough sex in a bathtub full of jelly, mad scientist role play), there’s a small possibility that your partner absolutely hates it, and there’s nothing you can say to make them change their mind.
This applies even if, in all other ways, they’re THE ONE. It applies even if you’re married.
Take a moment to mull over how it might go if your partner 100% isn’t into it. Is kink essential to you? Can you live without it in your life, or is that a recipe for unhappiness further down the line? Is this a slight difference in preferences (you each prefer a different brand of cream cheese), or a much deeper incompatibility (they’re allergic to cream cheese and if you want to be with them you can never eat it again)?
These are tough questions, sure, but they are eminently worth thinking about before you approach your partner.
Approaches to corrupting your partner…
Talk it out… hypothetically
Fantasies – like mistakes – are a lot easier to discuss when they’re hypothetical. And if you’ve never breathed a word about your kink to your partner before, this is the way to start.
Pick one of your favourite kinky practices and tell your partner that Ruth at work was talking about it in the break room, or that you read a Buzzfeed article about it, or that you saw a reference to it in an ordinary, totally not-erotic film. It doesn’t matter what origin story you give it – the point is to shift it far away from you so that it’s safe and easy to actually talk about.
Gauge their response. If it’s positive, push the conversation towards the idea of trying it out sometime. If they’re lukewarm, muse out loud on why you think it could be fun, and hint that you’re curious. If they’re vehemently disgusted… well, let it drop, and try again another time, perhaps with something a little more tame.
Explore outside the bedroom
There are plenty of ways to explore and expand your mutual interests outside of the bedroom/dungeon/kitchen/wherever you like to get down to it. You can read erotica together and talk about the bits that you found enjoyable. You can shop online for sex toys, or pretend that it’s the 1990s and go to an actual brick-and-mortar sex shop.
You can watch porn together, or (if porn’s a little rich for your blood) one of Channel Four’s extremely exploitative documentaries about fetishists. All of these are ways into talking about kink that don’t involve you just coming out and saying you like to do it while wearing a rubber bunny suit.
Actually explain things
Vanilla people don’t understand kink. Of course they don’t. Their reference materials are Fifty Shades Of Grey, some unsubstantiated rumours about adult babies, and the vague inclination that some people like to be spanked. If that was all you had to go on you probably wouldn’t be into it either.
You can help ease their transition into being a kinky so-and-so by actually explaining away some common misconceptions. Let them know that people do actually enjoy pain sometimes, that love and kink aren’t mutually exclusive, that they don’t have to be a capital-D Dom in order to dominate you, and that gimp suits really, really aren’t mandatory.
Don’t push them in the deep end
The fetish scene can be an odd and scary place. If you want your partner to come away with a favourable impression of it, don’t just tell them to join FetLife and leave them to it. Don’t show them your stash of hardcore bondage porn. Don’t take them to a play party.
Consider what is going to look the least unfamiliar to them. Begin with that. It’s the difference between breaking out a blindfold and breaking out a realistic rubber dildo gag.
Ask for something specific
Maybe you want your partner to take control in bed – but that’s a pretty wide remit. They likely have no idea what will go down well and what won’t. You can help them out immensely by asking for something specific and simple.
Think of it like placing an order at a drive through; you’ll get better results if you ask for a particular hamburger than if you just rock up and ask for, “One food, please”.
Ask them to hold you down, to pull your hair or to put their hand on your neck. You may not want to ask for every little thing, but it’s helpful to do so at the start to get your partner into the right headspace.
Demonstrate that you enjoy it
When your partner does something you like, make sure they know you like it. It can be confusing (especially if the thing that you like makes you squeal in pain). Affirm for them that you enjoy it, that it’s pleasurable for you, that you want more of it. Without this confirmation, how are they supposed to tell if what you’re reacting to is good pain (being spanked) or bad pain (stubbing your toe)?
For a lot of people this is essential to their enjoyment of BDSM. And it applies even if your partner is submitting to you. Tell them what you enjoyed, and what responses of theirs particularly turned you on. It may be obvious to you, but unless you actually put it into words they have no idea.
Write a journal
Writing things down can sometimes be easier than saying them out loud – and a journal is a way of saying things to your partner that’s a little less direct that just announcing it to their face. After experimenting or playing make a record of your thoughts and feelings.
Focus on the positives – the things you enjoyed and want to do more of. Explain how they made you feel, and emphasise that you liked them. Let your partner read your journal. A glimpse at the inner workings of your brain can really help to ease confusion and get them on board with the things you desire.
Deal with mistakes appropriately
Mistakes happen. That’s a standard part of life. If you’re trying to introduce your partner to kink, be mindful of how you react to mistakes. Don’t be too shy to bring it up if they hit you in a sensitive spot or get hot wax in your hair – but be sensitive about how you frame your feedback. Negative feedback is better received if it’s given a while after the event, and given in a reasoned, patient tone.
You might, for example, say something along the lines of, “I really loved what you did with that avocado, but the marks it left on my neck were a bit obvious. Next time can we try it on my back?” Isn’t that better than, “Ugh. Look what you did to my neck”?
Try some basic things first
Like it or not, there are some practices that are more generally well-received than others. For an indicator of what’s basically mainstream, check the contents of the (cringeworthy) Fifty Shades Of Grey Bondage Gift Set: some toy cuffs, a flogger, a blindfold, and a ping-pong ball gag.
These items will be at least a little familiar even to people who have never dipped a toe in the scene. Few people are so vanilla that they’ll find a blindfold completely appalling. Even if your interests lie elsewhere, start with something along these lines and work your way patiently up. Just like training a horse.
On compromises
We live in the 21st Century – a time when people have finally started to recognise that it’s not necessary for you and your partner to share every interest, nor for your partner to fulfil your every need.
You might get lucky, and find that your partner’s level of enthusiasm for kink matches your own. But you also might not. They might be interested in different things, or fewer things, or they might love you lots but want nothing to do with kink.
What you do with this mismatch is up to you to decide. But it’s worth being aware that many, many people are able to find and maintain very happy compromises regarding kink stuff.
One very common arrangement is seen when one person in a couple is interested in kink, but the other is not. The kinky partner is permitted to explore kink stuff outside of the relationship, but may not have sex with anyone else, or may only engage in certain sexual activities.
Again, you have to decide whether something like this could work for you. Compromises like this certainly aren’t for everyone, but if they suit all parties involved they are an excellent option to have on the table.
This is something I see popping up on the forums at Lit in some form or another every other day. I agree with your points about it. Hopefully it’ll help someone out…
I hope so. Feel free to direct people to it if you think it might help them!