There are many reasons why people find rough sex enjoyable. It can be super cathartic to get roughed up in bed by someone you love and trust. It’s good exercise. It’s a way of engaging with your partner that’s passionate and urgent and builds an intense connection. In short, it feels good.
That’s understandable. Many things that hurt feel good. Many things which are uncomfortable or scary are actually positive experiences. We go on rollercoasters. We have deep tissue massages. We do kink stuff. Humans: it’s okay to like hurty things.
Including getting slapped around in bed.
If you’re pre-disposed to liking it rough (or are playing with someone who is) here are some things you should know – first and foremost to keep yourself safe, but also to ensure that you have a good time.
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I want my partner to be rougher with me!
Defining rough sex
First, some terminology. “Rough” is whatever you decide it is. Nobody else’s definition matters. If you’re only into mild hair-pulling, that’s fine. It counts.
People sometimes get a little snitty about what counts as rough. In the kink scene you might encounter people who are keen to gatekeep this concept, often as an entrée to bragging about how much they can take because they’re so cool and tough.
Ignore these people. Nobody likes them. Rough is whatever you decide it is.
Consent and negotiation
Negotiation is extra important when you’re doing rough stuff. As per the above, everyone’s idea of what constitutes “rough” is different, so just asking if your partner is okay to play a little rough isn’t sufficient.
Instead, consider:
- Ramping things up slowly and incrementally
- Going through a checklist of common acts before you play
- Watching some hardcore porn and discussing what you see
- Having your partner provide feedback during play
- Establishing a safe word before you start
Even with these measures, you should only do rough stuff with people you trust. In many places, a human cannot legally consent to rough sex. When you do rough stuff you are off the map. Travel with caution, and in the company of people you explicitly trust.
Moods do change
Here’s a list of situations that are totally normal. If any of these feel familiar to you, rest assured that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
- Wanting it rough sometimes but not others
- Changing your mind about how rough you want a given session to be
- Going off rough sex altogether for a period of time, or forever
- Not being into rough sex at all, but liking BDSM
- Not liking rough sex at all, ever
- Fantasising about rough sex which you don’t want to experience for real
All of these things are perfectly normal. Brains are full of unpredictable chemicals; feelings change on a regular basis. If your feelings about rough sex are unpredictable, conflicting, extreme, or prone to sudden changes… don’t sweat it. You’re still cool.
I want my partner be rougher with me!
First and foremost, a caveat: you cannot control what another person is interested in or turned on by. If your partner is fundamentally not into rough sex, nothing you can say or do will change that. You’ll have to find another way to get your rough sex fix.
That said, there are many people out there who have never tried rough sex, but would totally enjoy it if they did. If you think your partner might be one of them, you should gently suggest some experimentation.
Some of the suggestions here might help you broach the subject if you’re not feeling so confident about bringing it up.
Your partner may be interested, but have some mild reservations. These can usually be addressed by reassuring them that you enjoy rough sex, and that there are ways to be rough that aren’t too dangerous and don’t cause long-term harm (see below). Talking about the things you’ll do to stay safe while playing will also help to reassure them.
Rough sex ideas
What you do with your partner really depends on what you’re into… but having an arsenal of ideas can help you get rough in a more imaginative way. So, here are some things you can mix into your rough sex sessions as per your preference.
Spanking
With your bare hand. With an implement. With a belt. Spanking is a pretty straightforward thing that a lot of people enjoy.
Slapping
Face-slapping is always going to carry a slight risk. You can minimise that by being careful about the way you slap your lover in the face. Here’s more on that.
Spitting
Spit into your partner’s mouth. Spit on their face. Spit on the floor and make them lick it up. Spit on the floor and rub their face in it. Make them spit into their hand then rub it in their face. Endless permutations.
Facefucking
If you have a dick (or a strap-on), there is much fun to be had by thrusting it vigorously and repeatedly into your lover’s lovely face. If they’re nervous about choking, have them show you how deep they can take, then wrap your hand around your dick at that point and use it as a depth guage to minimise gagging.
Grabbing
Grab. Squeeze. Maybe dig in those nails. If you’ve never dragged someone around a room via a vice-like grip on their tits, try it. It’s fun.
Fisting
Fisting is: the act of thrusting not just a few fingers but your entire hand into your partner’s cunt or arse. Most people cannot be fisted right out of the gate, but with some practise almost anyone can take a fisting.
Hair-pulling
A lot of humans genuinely like having their hair pulled, either because they enjoy the pain or because it gives them a pleasant back-of-the-neck tingling sensation. For the purposes of rough fucking, your partner’s hair makes an excellent handle with which to move them to where you want them to be.
Manhandling
Lifting your partner up off the floor. Holding them extra tightly. Turning them over to fuck them in a different position. Pushing them down into the bed/floor/kitchen countertop. Holding their arms behind them while you fuck them.
Biting
Establish how hard your partner likes to be bitten. Most people aren’t into biting that breaks the skin, but enjoy the odd nibble here and there. For a milder biting sensation, trap your partner’s skin between your teeth and your lip rather than two sets of teeth.
Punching
Punching is pretty dangerous. Even a mild impact to a sensitive part of the body can have really serious and lasting consequences. Pretty much the only “safe” place to punch someone is in the fleshy part of their buttock, and even then you should be relatively gentle.
Talking
Call your partner names. Tell them what a slut they are. Pick on the precise and specific things you know will humiliate them. Bark orders at them and punish them if they don’t obey quickly enough. Tell them what you’re going to do to them before you do it so that they have time to mull over what’s coming.
Scratching
You don’t need sharp nails to scratch someone. Indeed it’s preferable that your nails are blunt. As always, negotiation matters: find out where your partner is okay to have marks and scratches, and how hard they want you to go.
Fishhooking
Hook a finger or two into your partner’s cheek. Pull gently but firmly. For extra fun hook their other cheek as well. Hooking someone by a sensitive part of their anatomy like this makes it easy to lead them around and instil obedience.
A Note on Choking
Absent from the above list is choking, even though that’s a staple of porn. Why leave it out? Well… choking is incredibly dangerous. You’re risking killing someone every time you do it.
If you do want to choke your partner, you’re going to have to do a lot of research, from sources that are much, much more in-depth than this blog.
Aftercare
Rough sex can make you feel intensely connected to your partner. It can be exciting and exhilarating in the best possible way. It can also be exhausting. You should give some thought to what you might like to do after a particularly intense session: lie in a heap and get your breath back? Go for a walk? Play video games?
All of these are viable aftercare ideas, so give some thought about which might be right for you and your partner before you start playing. After your done you probably won’t want to think about anything particularly complicated for a while, at any rate.
Did I miss the caution that any form of rough play should come after thorough negotiation? Find out your partners hard limits their yellow/curious play, and most of all any ptsd triggers they may know about. Kitten and I have discovered many ptsd buttons/land mines she wasn’t even aware of. And some that she remembers all too well.
Thee sound of me removing my belt for some would be a rousing. For her it is terrifying. But blindfolded after much hand spanking and flogging with a light suede flogger, using my belt end(not the buckle but the pontes bit) as a paddle on her clit can send her into orgasmic pleasure.
Know your partners limits as well as your own.
Thanks for posting this. It is an interesting potential arsenal of ideas.